it begins.

the bachelorette weekend begins tonight! and in preparing for it, i have done the following:

constructed a silver "miss bachelorette" sash
personalized a pair of panties with various martini iron-ons
purchased skimpy lingerie for the bride-to-be
baked my signature penis cake (complete with jimmies for pubes)
brainstormed naughty names for the partygoers (including sharon goodluvin, kitty cumsalot, leigh nover, anita spankin, and rhoda johnson)
charged the battery on my digital camera to record the inevitable debauchery

there's just one thing left to do. figure out what i'm gonna wear to this shindig. but i'm takin' off work early go shoppin'!

i'm getting excited now about a party that i was kind of dreading. and despite seeing a band that sings other band's songs, i think we'll have a good time.

hope it lives up to my expectations!

one busy girl.

i have been so busy lately. planning my friend's bachelorette party and preparing for her wedding. helping my mom sell her house, pack it up, and figure out plans to prepare the new condo. i'm also trying to get back into the habit of working out. and i'm working lots of hours. all while making a real effort to go to bed earlier every night. exhaustion and i don't work well together.

if i'm not making a "miss bachelorette" sash, i'm sorting through my old barbies or making a birthday present for my friend because i can't afford to buy her one. good thing i'm crafty.

but quite frankly, i'm getting overwhelmed. here's why:

the bachelorette party. the planning of it has fallen onto me and one other bridesmaid. where's the matron of honor? where's the sister of the bride? who knows?! i've had to go shopping for naughty party favors, help with invitations, plan the games, make the sash, find panties that convey something about me, and bake a penis cake. not only that, but this bachelorette party is going on for 2 full days! i should really be calling it the bachelorette weekend.

the house/condo transition. while i'm ecstatic about the house selling, the timing couldn't possibly be worse. it really couldn't. the closing date on the condo is november 10th, the day before the wedding - the day of the rehearsal dinner and the day we decorate the hall. it's also the last day i can starve myself to fit into that dress. and it seems that i will be the only daughter/packer/cleaner/painter/lifter of heavier things available to help during all of this, as one sister lives across the country, and the other will be out of the country. oy.

the size of my ass. it's big. and it's gotta stop. i did really well a few months ago, i was working out everyday, eating really healthy, and then i stopped. and all of the big butted-ness that i had lost came back. so now i've got to start all over. which means i gotta get off my ass, put down the chocolate, and get on that treadmill.

my job/finances. i decided to stay at my current job as a robot through the year. which means i need to work some serious overtime if there's ever hope of paying off my credit card and moving out. it means staying late everyday and coming in on the weekends. you know, after i've sorted through all of the fashion plates and cabbage patch dolls.

it overwhelms me just writing it all down. it's probably best that i'm so busy. otherwise i'd have time to stop and think about the fact that november 26th is the last day that i'm ever going to be in the house that i grew up in.

i really need some chocolate.

cheesy.

yesterday i ordered lunch from jimmy john's. i had the # 13 on wheat, no mayo. it's delish. the best part about this sandwich has to be the numerous layers of provolone cheese with avocado spread in between. it's a lot of cheese, but it's yummy. however, after enjoying half of my sandwich an ache began to develop in my lower intestines. a lingering ache, but nothing ever came of it. i thought it was just a fluke, as i am sometimes prone to stomach aches and issues. around 3:00 i decided to eat the other half of my sandwich. the ache worsened. and since then, anytime i eat, i get the ache. the same thing happened to me last weekend after i shared a cheese pizza with a friend - 2 days of misery. and as much as i hate to admit it, i think it's the cheese.

growing up, i never liked cheese. i would eat it on pizza or in macaroni, but never on a cracker or a slice of it by itself. but one day in may of 1999 changed my life forever. it was the day of my sister's graduation from college and it was the day i began to love cheese. i remember watching my mom prepare the plate of cubed cheese the night before and actually being quite disgusted by it. the next day, on the drive to my sister's house, i suddenly began to crave it. i could hardly wait until we got there to get my hands on some delicious cheese. i've since learned that every 7 years, your taste buds change - so i suspect that's what happened. but i doubt that many people can trace their change back to the exact day it occurred the way i can.

i think i've been in denial about my lactose sensitivity for a while. i stopped drinking milk about a year ago because of the stomach aches it gave me. and i rarely eat ice cream for the same reason. i notice that when i eat cheese (or any dairy), my abdomen swells to the point that i could pass for a woman 6 months pregnant. my body just doesn't know how to handle it. and i feel like crap until it's out of my system, like today. i seem to have outgrown dairy, and the fact that it's gotten to the point where i have to give up cheese makes me sad. especially because there are still so many kinds out there that i haven't tried yet! i know dairy products are really unhealthy anyway and nothing but good things will come from me giving it up.

but it's still a sad day for the cheese enthusiast that i have become.

screw you, walt disney.

after spending the weekend with my various engaged and married friends at another friend's cinderella themed wedding and while hearing all about my sister's new boyfriend, and the guy my best friend is seeing - i have come to one ultimate and undeniable conclusion. i.am.going.to.die.alone.

i suppose i'm really the only one to blame. instead of talking to any of the single guys at the reception, i spent the evening putting 5 tiny glass slippers onto each of my toes.

i think it's safe to say i'm no cinderella. and my life is no fairy tale.

oh sh*t.

last night i went to see the house that two of my almost married friends just bought. a '70s style ranch in desperate need of some elbow grease and updating, but with definite potential. we had just walked out of the bathroom after a good 10 minute rant about how horribly the last owners decorated it - a blend of metallic gold and peach. we walked into the master bedroom, painted green - a color that can only be described as a combination of mint and lime. i walked up to the wall, tapped my fingernails on it and said with the most sarcasm i could muster, "and this is a lovely color in here, too."

my friend looked at me and said, "actually, this is the color we painted it."

silence.

there was no making it better.

stank.

i am in a mood so foul, i'm surprised my co-workers aren't passing out from the stench.

the moanster.

in an effort to make as much noise as possible and annoy me to the fullest extent, one of my neighbors in the cubicle farm has made a habit of letting letting out a....um, sigh whenever she yawns. i couldn't complain if it were just a normal sigh, the type of sigh one normally expels while yawning - but this sigh sounds a bit...erotic. as if she's enjoying herself a little more than anyone ever should while within a 5 mile radius of this building. she's also taken up letting out a little moan every time she is in any way disgruntled or annoyed. and she's disgruntled and annoyed a whole lot. the moans tend to have the same erotic undertones as the sighs. and every time she does either, i shudder.

she's an older gal, and in no way naive. she knows what she's doing. and she's a cruel monster for doing it.

**shudder**

fully vested.

today i am wearing a sweater vest. i also wore a sweater vest on the day that i got my driver's license. october 20, 1997 was likely one of the last days that i ever wore my orange argyle sweater vest. looking back, i never would have predicted that the trend of the sweater vest could come back around so quickly that almost 9 years to the day, i find myself wearing one again.

with the return of skinny jeans and leggings, all i can do is pray that tappered, stonewashed jeans are not to follow. cuz that's just ugly.