i'm not proud of myself.

i'm so poor i stole a tampon from the gym today. 

okay, not really. 

i stole two. 

no place like home.

it's a city that holds many of my firsts. my first apartment, my first house. first time living with 5 other girls. my first home away from home. my first kiss. first time i drank beer, first time i got drunk, first time i had a hangover. the first time i smoked pot. first time i felt smart, first time i felt stupid. the first time i lived more than 1 mile from my best friend. the first time i ever received a grade lower than a c. first time i felt lost. the first time i felt independent. the first time i liked the city i lived in. 

it's the city i was in when i found out my sister was moving away, my mom had cancer and my dad had died. it's the city that gave me my degree, incredible friends, and heaps of life experience. after 5 years of highs and lows, it was home. it felt like home. it's the city i swore i would never leave. 

**************

until shit falls apart and you decide to leave. and you regret it. for years you regret it and say you'll move back. when you visit it feels like you've gone home. you remember how to get around, can list off your favorite bars and know the best restaurants. it's still your city.

 

until the visits become less frequent. you don't know as many people there anymore. your favorite bar is gone, replaced by a taco bell. you can't remember the name of that street and you make a few wrong turns. it's not your city anymore. 

and all those memories feel like they happened a hundred years ago. a thousand years ago. a lifetime has passed. in their place - memories of a new city, new friends, a completely different life. and suddenly you're a stranger in a city that used to be your's. 

**************

it's a city that holds so many of my firsts, but not all of them. and it's not home anymore. not an easy thing to accept, so i put on my rose colored (sun)glasses and headed home - er, home for now. 

besides, i don't want anything to do with a city that closes down a restaurant with the best chinese food this side of the pacific. 

it ain't easy.

i've started this new job and it hasn't been easy. it's the first time in... a long time, that i've started a job where i don't know anyone. i've struggled with what this job forces me to do. it forces me to be social - very social. and comfortable with touching people. and i have to be cheerful. and everything is new! i'm completely out of my comfort zone and i don't remember ever being so scared. all of these things have been a struggle - but as challenging as it's been, it feels good that i'm being forced to grow. 

i feel like i'm more comfortable with conversing with strangers. i'm getting better at learning names. i'm doing things that make me horribly uncomfortable. but i know that soon -hopefully sooner than later - these things won't feel as uncomfortable as they do now. and eventually, they may even feel natural. 

it's good. i think it will be good. maybe even great. 

if only in my dreams.

it's christmas eve and i'm still awake. thinking of our song. you play it for me when i need it most. or at least i like to think you play it for me. when you know i miss my family. my whole family. 

tonight it was when we were about to eat dinner. right as we began to pray. you played it for me. right when i needed it most. 

i need it again now, so if you could get on that, it would be great. thanks. 

aww sh*t.

i got laid off today.

sacked.
fired.
sent away.
dismissed.
canned.
terminated.
given the axe.

call it what you will, i feel a little betrayed.

and i'm a forced to face the fact that the last 4 years have been wasted. and no matter how good i think i was at my job - no matter how much of a difference i'd like to think i made - none of it mattered to the people who sign my paycheck.

and that sucks a little.

proud.

tonight i helped elect barack obama for president of the united states. 

i'm not sure if i've ever done anything so important. 

and for the first time, in a long time, i'm proud to be american. 

somewhere out there is a version of me that's happy.

i saw rabbit hole last night. a play about a couple's grief after losing their 4 year old son. he was hit by a car that was driven by a teenager named jason. there's a scene with jason and the young boy's mother, becca, where they begin to discuss the idea of parallel universes. jason says that if you believe in science, you believe in the possibility - almost certainty - of the existence of parallel universes. becca finds comfort in this. the idea that somewhere out there in the universe, there is a version of her that is happy, that still has her son. 

i was intrigued by this. i've heard of parallel universes before, but i just assumed it was the wishful thinking of sci-fi freaks. i never thought it was an actual scientific possibility. so today, i turn on pbs at the start of an episode of nova. it's about mark everett of the eels. turns out that mark's father, hugh, was a quantum physicist. the quantum physicist who came up with the theory of parallel universes. so i watch the whole program where mark learns about his father, whom he never really knew while he was alive. it also explains how it's possible - likely even - for parallel universes to exist. 

and now i'm finding the same comfort that becca found. that somewhere out there exists a version of me, who has done all the things i was too afraid to do. all the things i didn't have the courage to do. somewhere out there is a version of me that's happy.