if only in my dreams.

it's christmas eve and i'm still awake. thinking of our song. you play it for me when i need it most. or at least i like to think you play it for me. when you know i miss my family. my whole family. 

tonight it was when we were about to eat dinner. right as we began to pray. you played it for me. right when i needed it most. 

i need it again now, so if you could get on that, it would be great. thanks. 

aww sh*t.

i got laid off today.

sacked.
fired.
sent away.
dismissed.
canned.
terminated.
given the axe.

call it what you will, i feel a little betrayed.

and i'm a forced to face the fact that the last 4 years have been wasted. and no matter how good i think i was at my job - no matter how much of a difference i'd like to think i made - none of it mattered to the people who sign my paycheck.

and that sucks a little.

proud.

tonight i helped elect barack obama for president of the united states. 

i'm not sure if i've ever done anything so important. 

and for the first time, in a long time, i'm proud to be american. 

somewhere out there is a version of me that's happy.

i saw rabbit hole last night. a play about a couple's grief after losing their 4 year old son. he was hit by a car that was driven by a teenager named jason. there's a scene with jason and the young boy's mother, becca, where they begin to discuss the idea of parallel universes. jason says that if you believe in science, you believe in the possibility - almost certainty - of the existence of parallel universes. becca finds comfort in this. the idea that somewhere out there in the universe, there is a version of her that is happy, that still has her son. 

i was intrigued by this. i've heard of parallel universes before, but i just assumed it was the wishful thinking of sci-fi freaks. i never thought it was an actual scientific possibility. so today, i turn on pbs at the start of an episode of nova. it's about mark everett of the eels. turns out that mark's father, hugh, was a quantum physicist. the quantum physicist who came up with the theory of parallel universes. so i watch the whole program where mark learns about his father, whom he never really knew while he was alive. it also explains how it's possible - likely even - for parallel universes to exist. 

and now i'm finding the same comfort that becca found. that somewhere out there exists a version of me, who has done all the things i was too afraid to do. all the things i didn't have the courage to do. somewhere out there is a version of me that's happy. 

the great northwest.

i woke up this morning to the sound of somebody playing the flute near the creek behind my sister's house. but this is what vacation is about, right? experiencing something other than everyday life. i didn't know how hard it would be to retrain myself not to flush the toilet after i pee and not to run away - screaming - from the spiders looming over my head in the kitchen. that's right. spiderS. of which there are many. and they are big.

but i am enjoying seeing how my sister lives. right now i'm watching her barista (can that be used as a verb?). very impressive. and later today we're headed to yoga. so far the trip has been interesting and eventful. and the boys. oh ladies, the boys here. beautiful. i have no words.

after she picked me up from the airport we went right to olympia, stopping first to get water from the artesian well. it's a pipe that sticks up from the ground in the middle of a parking lot. it spews water constantly from an underground spring and there's almost always people there filling up jugs of this magic, healing water to take back home. we did the same. and as we were filling up our water bottles i got hit on. the guy wasn't exactly citizen of the year, but nonetheless, it's good to get compliments like that every once and awhile. he was smitten. i almost brought him home with us.

yesterday morning we picked blueberries and blackberries from the garden in the backyard. then we made blueberry pancakes with blackberry sauce. from the blueberries and blackberries we just picked. from the garden. in the backyard. my head nearly exploded from the idea that you can grow food yourself. and then eat it! we've also eaten zuccini and tomato sandwiches - from the fruits picked minutes earlier. i've never tasted such fresh, delicious food.

then we went on a 5.5 mile hike through a wildlife refuge. we saw a squirrel. and a frog. my sister swears she saw a snake. not exactly the wildlife we had hoped to see, but it was nice to get out for some exercise. last night we went to the brotherhood (the bro ho) for drinks with a few friends, including lucas, her transgender ex-roomate and friough (pronounced "free"), her super butch lesbian co-worker. also joining us was eamon, who so closely resembles jack black (both in character and physically) it's eerie. that's one thing i've learned while here. you must must must not have a "normal" name. amy? get lost. bill? i think not. tom? you're not allowed within 1500 miles of this place, do you understand me? welcome only are hava! and tova! and meta! fortunately my name is strange enough to allow me entrance to the great northwest.

it's really beautiful here. so many trees you wouldn't believe it. and it seems like wherever we go, mount rainier is the backdrop. stunning.

oh my god! phil collins just came on the radio at the coffeehouse. take, take me home... good song, but i'm not ready to go yet.

tomorrow we get the final sister from the airport and then we take over seattle for the next 2 days. should be interesting.

horror is.

horror is... driving in the car at night, catching the silhouette of a spider directly above you, inches from your face, praying (in vain) to hit a red light to get him out, when he begins to lower himself...

a letter.

dear james mcavoy, 

take me now. 

sincerely, 

me 

thinking.

it's probably not a good idea to wake up at the exact time you should be arriving at work. 2 days after learning that you're getting written up for being late. 

it's also not a good idea to go to the gym after having 2 margaritas. and a bean burrito. 

how to.

... lose weight. eat chocolate. and crackers. and peanut butter cup ice cream. with caramel sauce. and more crackers. then go to the gym to burn a fifth of the calories you've just consumed. 

... get fired. get to work late. the day after you've been told that you're getting written up for being late. 

... piss me off. be 50 degrees outside. in june. 

... be bloated and gassy. eat a salad. with broccoli. and then pineapple. and a bean burrito.

... feel dirty. watch the bachelorette. 

must remember.

i rarely wear my glasses. so sometimes when i wear them, i forget that i'm wearing eyeglasses and not sunglasses. there are 2 major differences between my eyeglasses and my sunglasses.  the first is that my eyeglasses are clear. the second is that my sunglasses cover half of my face. i must keep these differences in mind while crying on the freeway wearing my eyeglasses. because PEOPLE CAN SEE. and they think i'm sad. 

and they're probably right. 

feeling the need to declare.

• family circus is not funny. 
  
• today i killed a centipede large enough for me to be charged with manslaughter. though i would argue it was self defense. 
  
• i finally bought my ticket to olympia! or should i say i charged it... 
  
• methinks bankruptcy is in my future.

oh so productive.

today i...

• ordered 2 new books online
• realized that it may have been a big mistake to get the internet at home, as that's all i seem to do now
• didn't eat any vegetables
  
• tried not to cry while watching the family stone at the gym
• saw a cross dresser who looks way better in a little black dress than i ever could
• laughed out loud 4 times while watching the king of queens (oh doug, you and your silly antics always get me!)
• failed to call my sister
• did not poop
• washed a mountain of dishes

my life... filled with excitement. 

yay 2008!

so it's the beginning of another new year, and i must say that i'm looking forward to the fresh start. i just read over my resolutions from last year, and i think i can confidently say that i've failed completely at the mass majority of them. but whatever. i'm making a new list this year that i can perhaps only partially fail at this time next year. okay, here they are...

1 - i will get healthy. i'm off to a good start on this one already, though the holdiays were rough. i've got myself a gym membership and i'm out of excuses. all the fixins for success.

2 - i will read at least 15 books. i'm hoping to join at least one book club to help me out with this one.

3 - i will not live in filth. i'm pretty disgusted with what my apartment looked like for most of 2007. it's time to be a grown up. and clean up.

4 - i will meet new people. to do this, i have to knock it off with the shyness. this one will be difficult.

5 - i will lessen my cursing. it's getting out of hand, and it just makes me sound ridiculous. this also means i will stop yelling at fellow drivers. they're not making me late, i'm making me late.

6 - i will be nice. this includes learning to be more patient. returning my sister's calls. supporting my friend's decisions. being less angry. being more positive.

7 - i will find a job that i have passion for. this one scares me the most. it means that i first have to find out what i have passion for, then i have to get a job doing that. i may be setting myself up for failure on this one. and there i go with the negativity again...

8 - i will cook/bake more often. and get better at it!

9 - i will pay off my credit card and build up my savings account. hopefully my future job that i have passion for pays well.

10 - i will be creative. writing, painting, etc.

hefty goals, i know. but i can do it.