ode to tylenol cold, multi-symptom.

how i love thee, tylenol cold!

your multi-symptom formula rocks my world. you're a pain relieving/fever reducing, nasal decongesting, cough supressing machine! to prove my love, an ode:

fever, headache, sore throat!
i was more vile than a moat.
you made me feel better,
i needn’t wear a sweater,
but i won’t stop wearing my coat.

p.s. phenylephrine hcl, will you marry me?

damn you, cher.

they're already playing christmas music on the radio. and.i.love.it.

of course, the last song i heard before coming in to work was not white christmas. no. instead it was a song by cher. and now instead of having a warm fuzzy feeling inside, i'm singing about gypsies, tramps and thieves.

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

my very own personal ad.

i’m a single, vegetarian living in milwaukee. my aspirations in life are to have a job i don’t hate and 14 cats (though i only have names for 6 so far). i’m looking for someone to do stuff with on saturday nights. i’m getting sick of hanging out with my roomate’s cat. she's got nasty breath. a few things i like...cheese, tv, drinking wine, watching movies, working out, and sleeping. everything else, i pretty much hate. other hobbies... i'm trying to learn how to cook. i've pretty much mastered beans and rice, but that's about it. what i'm looking for in a guy... a sense of humor, similar interests, no criminal background. also, no jags.

seriously, who could pass this up?

timely.

time i woke up this morning: 7:40 am
time i need to leave to get to work on time: 7:40 am

i am a grown up and professional 26 year old. i swear.

conversation with date ball.

conversation with date ball: part 1.

me: am i going to die alone?
db: i don't know!
me: am i going to die alone with 14 cats?
db: it's lookin' good!
me: am i going to die alone (a spinster) with 14 cats?
db: no question!

db, why must you taunt me so?

reminders.

roy orbison
lawrence welk
lefse
johnny cash
ray stevens
i'll be home for christmas
meet me in st.louis
old style
nascar
miss meatball
black coffee
john wayne
the smell of a charcoal grill
custard and peanuts

checkin' in.

i just ate a dove chocolate egg.
that i found on the floor.
under my desk.

i have a problem.

i'm gonna die alone.

i love this.

"so much to love, there's so much love. i watched him talking, sipping and swirling his wine, and i thought, "i want to remember this." and right then i wished for him, that he'd outlive me because i cannot imagine my life without him filling it up...he's my best choice. my best decision."

i'm so never gonna have that.

my dedication to the spinster life is unending.

mrs. demitri martin.

dear demitri,

i saw you tonight on comedy central and, i know it’s sudden and we’ve only just been introduced but, will you marry me?

i'd been seeing promos for your special all weekend long, and you seemed clever enough - but only after i saw you in action could i fully appreciate how funny you really are. and then it happened. you made a joke about farts. and i laughed at it. i laughed at a joke about farts. this may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is - you see, i don't laugh at jokes about farts. i just don't. never have. so the fact that you got me to laugh at a joke about farts, well...it's enough to make me believe that you're the one.

you are so very odd. and adorable. and your hair - it's fabulous. and your name - so worldly. and you've got crazy harmonica skills. you got me to forget that i was exercising! i forgot about the pain in my side and my struggle for breath for nearly 25 minutes as i watched you compare a cd to a breast. impressive indeed, "either way, don't scratch it." and that joke about glitter being the herpes of craft supplies - an instant classic.

you just may be the love of my life.

resolute.

it's been a while since my last post. a lot has happened but i don't feel like recapping tonight. instead, i'm going to record my new year's resolutions. i know it's january 8th and it'll be january 9th in like 7 minutes, but i don't normally do the whole new year's resolution thing, and if i'm gonna do it this year i'm going to be serious about it. and i needed a few more days to come up with my list. so here it is! my numbered list followed by a brief explanation:

1 - i resolve to be healthy. this means exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, etc. it means i will be healthy in all aspects of the word. i'm doing pretty well so far. i've started walking/running on the treadmill again and my goal is to run a 5k with my coworkers in september. we'll see.

2 - i resolve to write/paint more. not doing as well with this one so far, but i've found that i'm happy or satisfied or whatever after i've done something creative or crafty. and i've got a set of paints and canvases in my closet that i bought 2 years ago that i've yet to use. wait, make that 3 years ago.

3 - i resolve to be financially responsible. i'm planning on moving out in april, which means some serious budgeting is in my future. but i do plan to purchase a laptop with part of my tax return. i want to pay off my credit card this year. and my car. and maybe get an ipod...

4 - i resolve to have a good time. i will stop saying, "oh, i'll do that someday, when i really start my life." because that's ridiculous. this is my life, and i need to start living it. i'm off to a good start with this one after an unplanned 2 hour drive to madison last friday just for the best chinese food. ever.

5 - i resolve to see my self worth. i will do things to make me feel good about me. i guess 1 thru 4 sort of covers this, but whatev.

so there they are. i'm reserving the right to edit these at the halfway mark through the year. or add to the list in case i rock all of these and need a new challenge.

i've never really done new year's resolutions, i think because i was afraid to fail at them. but this year i'm feeling up to the challenge, which i'm kind of taking as a good sign for the year to come.

and despite my discomfort with an odd numbered year, i'm feelin' resolute.

a few things.

a few things i like about today.

it's friday.
it's my last day on the job as a robot.
it's my last day sitting at a desk surrounded by evil, pessimistic man-bashers.
there's a glass of wine in my near future.

this weekend my platinum dress will be replaced by paint clothes. but i'm really looking forward to making the condo a cozy McHome.

on monday i start my new job! all this change is starting to feel refreshing and exciting - even if it is a little overwhelming.

cuz i can totally handle it.

they are.

he squeezed her hand as they stood next to each other, moments away from becoming husband and wife. it was sometime after seeing this that i stopped being cynical about their relationship. and came to the realization of just how happy they are going to be together. and then i cried. a lot. i cried more at this wedding than any other wedding i've ever been to. i cried at the rehearsal, and it didn't stop at the ceremony. i cried at the reception. and again when it was all over. and then i nearly cried the next day at gift opening when i heard what they had both secretly engraved on the other's ring.

the whole weekend went well, despite a snowstorm on friday that required a bit of regrouping for the rehearsal dinner. i had a great time and it was worth all the stress about the bra, the dress, the gift, the shoes, the ride home, the outdoor pictures, and the missing roomate and sister. i danced the night away and didn't realize until it was too late that my too small shoes took three painful chunks of skin from my right foot. holy cow does it hurt! and i don't see it healing any time soon, as all of my shoes seem to hit those three spots all too well. but again, it was well worth it.

now i'm in a bit of post-wedding depression that usually happens to me after another of my friends gets married - probably because of the gaping lack of a relationship of my own. not that i'm not happy for each of my friends - they've all chosen spouses that i more than approve of - but when i see them all together, it's a reminder of how far i am from being there. and it takes me some time to get over it.

so today i'm gonna turn up my christmas music (they're already playing it on the radio!) and do what's necessary to get myself feel better. it may take a few days, but i imagine that my hope for the future will slowly return.

it usually does.

get me to the church on time.

today is the last day that my mom is going to own the house that i grew up in.
starting tomorrow and for the next 2 weeks, i'll be living in someone else's house. gah!

but i don't have time to think about that, because in one hour i'll be out of work and off to the cancer booth, er......tanning booth, and then to the grocery store for some delicious (yet surprisingly inexpensive) champagne for the wedding limo. this weekend i'm set to do all things girly. i'm getting my hair and make up done, but i'm seriously looking forward to my manicure and pedicure tomorrow. i have hope that, on saturday, i'll survive the bra of death and go on to become a highly intoxicated bridesmaid extraordinaire in platinum!

ahh, what a vision!

letter.

an open letter to my sister:

shut up! i haven’t said a single word for 3 minutes. that does not a conversation make. and when i do tell you something, it doesn't give you complete freedom to analyze the hell out of it! not everything needs to be dissected. sometimes, i'm just trying to tell you how my day went. or what's happening with me.

occasionally i have news to share with you. like, i got a new job. but we never get around to that when we talk because you can't stop yapping long enough for me to tell you anything. and when we do finally get around to me (because you've run out of things to say), it's late and i want to go to bed. or you've pissed me off so much that i don't want to talk to you anymore. one time, you talked to me for over 5 minutes about an old yogurt container.
an.old.yogurt.container.

and stop eating when you're on the phone with me. it's gross!


p.s. i'm never gonna say this to you because i love you too much. and i know that this is just how you are.
but sometimes it sucks.

it begins.

the bachelorette weekend begins tonight! and in preparing for it, i have done the following:

constructed a silver "miss bachelorette" sash
personalized a pair of panties with various martini iron-ons
purchased skimpy lingerie for the bride-to-be
baked my signature penis cake (complete with jimmies for pubes)
brainstormed naughty names for the partygoers (including sharon goodluvin, kitty cumsalot, leigh nover, anita spankin, and rhoda johnson)
charged the battery on my digital camera to record the inevitable debauchery

there's just one thing left to do. figure out what i'm gonna wear to this shindig. but i'm takin' off work early go shoppin'!

i'm getting excited now about a party that i was kind of dreading. and despite seeing a band that sings other band's songs, i think we'll have a good time.

hope it lives up to my expectations!

one busy girl.

i have been so busy lately. planning my friend's bachelorette party and preparing for her wedding. helping my mom sell her house, pack it up, and figure out plans to prepare the new condo. i'm also trying to get back into the habit of working out. and i'm working lots of hours. all while making a real effort to go to bed earlier every night. exhaustion and i don't work well together.

if i'm not making a "miss bachelorette" sash, i'm sorting through my old barbies or making a birthday present for my friend because i can't afford to buy her one. good thing i'm crafty.

but quite frankly, i'm getting overwhelmed. here's why:

the bachelorette party. the planning of it has fallen onto me and one other bridesmaid. where's the matron of honor? where's the sister of the bride? who knows?! i've had to go shopping for naughty party favors, help with invitations, plan the games, make the sash, find panties that convey something about me, and bake a penis cake. not only that, but this bachelorette party is going on for 2 full days! i should really be calling it the bachelorette weekend.

the house/condo transition. while i'm ecstatic about the house selling, the timing couldn't possibly be worse. it really couldn't. the closing date on the condo is november 10th, the day before the wedding - the day of the rehearsal dinner and the day we decorate the hall. it's also the last day i can starve myself to fit into that dress. and it seems that i will be the only daughter/packer/cleaner/painter/lifter of heavier things available to help during all of this, as one sister lives across the country, and the other will be out of the country. oy.

the size of my ass. it's big. and it's gotta stop. i did really well a few months ago, i was working out everyday, eating really healthy, and then i stopped. and all of the big butted-ness that i had lost came back. so now i've got to start all over. which means i gotta get off my ass, put down the chocolate, and get on that treadmill.

my job/finances. i decided to stay at my current job as a robot through the year. which means i need to work some serious overtime if there's ever hope of paying off my credit card and moving out. it means staying late everyday and coming in on the weekends. you know, after i've sorted through all of the fashion plates and cabbage patch dolls.

it overwhelms me just writing it all down. it's probably best that i'm so busy. otherwise i'd have time to stop and think about the fact that november 26th is the last day that i'm ever going to be in the house that i grew up in.

i really need some chocolate.

cheesy.

yesterday i ordered lunch from jimmy john's. i had the # 13 on wheat, no mayo. it's delish. the best part about this sandwich has to be the numerous layers of provolone cheese with avocado spread in between. it's a lot of cheese, but it's yummy. however, after enjoying half of my sandwich an ache began to develop in my lower intestines. a lingering ache, but nothing ever came of it. i thought it was just a fluke, as i am sometimes prone to stomach aches and issues. around 3:00 i decided to eat the other half of my sandwich. the ache worsened. and since then, anytime i eat, i get the ache. the same thing happened to me last weekend after i shared a cheese pizza with a friend - 2 days of misery. and as much as i hate to admit it, i think it's the cheese.

growing up, i never liked cheese. i would eat it on pizza or in macaroni, but never on a cracker or a slice of it by itself. but one day in may of 1999 changed my life forever. it was the day of my sister's graduation from college and it was the day i began to love cheese. i remember watching my mom prepare the plate of cubed cheese the night before and actually being quite disgusted by it. the next day, on the drive to my sister's house, i suddenly began to crave it. i could hardly wait until we got there to get my hands on some delicious cheese. i've since learned that every 7 years, your taste buds change - so i suspect that's what happened. but i doubt that many people can trace their change back to the exact day it occurred the way i can.

i think i've been in denial about my lactose sensitivity for a while. i stopped drinking milk about a year ago because of the stomach aches it gave me. and i rarely eat ice cream for the same reason. i notice that when i eat cheese (or any dairy), my abdomen swells to the point that i could pass for a woman 6 months pregnant. my body just doesn't know how to handle it. and i feel like crap until it's out of my system, like today. i seem to have outgrown dairy, and the fact that it's gotten to the point where i have to give up cheese makes me sad. especially because there are still so many kinds out there that i haven't tried yet! i know dairy products are really unhealthy anyway and nothing but good things will come from me giving it up.

but it's still a sad day for the cheese enthusiast that i have become.

screw you, walt disney.

after spending the weekend with my various engaged and married friends at another friend's cinderella themed wedding and while hearing all about my sister's new boyfriend, and the guy my best friend is seeing - i have come to one ultimate and undeniable conclusion. i.am.going.to.die.alone.

i suppose i'm really the only one to blame. instead of talking to any of the single guys at the reception, i spent the evening putting 5 tiny glass slippers onto each of my toes.

i think it's safe to say i'm no cinderella. and my life is no fairy tale.

oh sh*t.

last night i went to see the house that two of my almost married friends just bought. a '70s style ranch in desperate need of some elbow grease and updating, but with definite potential. we had just walked out of the bathroom after a good 10 minute rant about how horribly the last owners decorated it - a blend of metallic gold and peach. we walked into the master bedroom, painted green - a color that can only be described as a combination of mint and lime. i walked up to the wall, tapped my fingernails on it and said with the most sarcasm i could muster, "and this is a lovely color in here, too."

my friend looked at me and said, "actually, this is the color we painted it."

silence.

there was no making it better.

stank.

i am in a mood so foul, i'm surprised my co-workers aren't passing out from the stench.