how to.

... lose weight. eat chocolate. and crackers. and peanut butter cup ice cream. with caramel sauce. and more crackers. then go to the gym to burn a fifth of the calories you've just consumed. 

... get fired. get to work late. the day after you've been told that you're getting written up for being late. 

... piss me off. be 50 degrees outside. in june. 

... be bloated and gassy. eat a salad. with broccoli. and then pineapple. and a bean burrito.

... feel dirty. watch the bachelorette.