eleanor.

dear eleanor, 

you've been gone now for 7 days. it's been a rough week. i wanted you here at the new apartment so that it felt like home. i was counting on you for that! but honestly, it's so much harder when i go back to the old apartment. i can't wait until i don't have a key to that door and never have to go back there. it's too hard. i still anticipate you, waiting at the door, as i walk up the stairs. i can never get to you soon enough. so, sweet girl, if you had to go i guess you got the timing right. i couldn't have lived another day in that apartment without you. i will always remember it as "our" apartment. apartment # 7. i thought it would be lucky. it wasn't. you lived most of your life in apartment 7. you have 7 letters in your name. you died on 7/7. i used to like 7s. not anymore. 

i'm sorry i wasn't a better mom for you. i didn't play with you enough. i didn't brush you. i barely ever gave you treats. but i hope you know that i loved you. and i really, really liked you.

i still think about you when i crumple a plastic bag. i know you always hated that sound, so i always tried to do it quietly. i still do. i wonder how long before that will go away. how long it will take for an image of you not to pop up in my head when i picture home. 

i think you would like my new apartment. there are lots of windows to look out of. and lots of space to run. i really think you would've liked it. 

i'm off to sleep. and hope to dream of you. 

love, 

mama

p.s. give mitty a big kiss from me! 

i'm not proud of myself.

i'm so poor i stole a tampon from the gym today. 

okay, not really. 

i stole two. 

no place like home.

it's a city that holds many of my firsts. my first apartment, my first house. first time living with 5 other girls. my first home away from home. my first kiss. first time i drank beer, first time i got drunk, first time i had a hangover. the first time i smoked pot. first time i felt smart, first time i felt stupid. the first time i lived more than 1 mile from my best friend. the first time i ever received a grade lower than a c. first time i felt lost. the first time i felt independent. the first time i liked the city i lived in. 

it's the city i was in when i found out my sister was moving away, my mom had cancer and my dad had died. it's the city that gave me my degree, incredible friends, and heaps of life experience. after 5 years of highs and lows, it was home. it felt like home. it's the city i swore i would never leave. 

**************

until shit falls apart and you decide to leave. and you regret it. for years you regret it and say you'll move back. when you visit it feels like you've gone home. you remember how to get around, can list off your favorite bars and know the best restaurants. it's still your city.

 

until the visits become less frequent. you don't know as many people there anymore. your favorite bar is gone, replaced by a taco bell. you can't remember the name of that street and you make a few wrong turns. it's not your city anymore. 

and all those memories feel like they happened a hundred years ago. a thousand years ago. a lifetime has passed. in their place - memories of a new city, new friends, a completely different life. and suddenly you're a stranger in a city that used to be your's. 

**************

it's a city that holds so many of my firsts, but not all of them. and it's not home anymore. not an easy thing to accept, so i put on my rose colored (sun)glasses and headed home - er, home for now. 

besides, i don't want anything to do with a city that closes down a restaurant with the best chinese food this side of the pacific. 

it ain't easy.

i've started this new job and it hasn't been easy. it's the first time in... a long time, that i've started a job where i don't know anyone. i've struggled with what this job forces me to do. it forces me to be social - very social. and comfortable with touching people. and i have to be cheerful. and everything is new! i'm completely out of my comfort zone and i don't remember ever being so scared. all of these things have been a struggle - but as challenging as it's been, it feels good that i'm being forced to grow. 

i feel like i'm more comfortable with conversing with strangers. i'm getting better at learning names. i'm doing things that make me horribly uncomfortable. but i know that soon -hopefully sooner than later - these things won't feel as uncomfortable as they do now. and eventually, they may even feel natural. 

it's good. i think it will be good. maybe even great. 

if only in my dreams.

it's christmas eve and i'm still awake. thinking of our song. you play it for me when i need it most. or at least i like to think you play it for me. when you know i miss my family. my whole family. 

tonight it was when we were about to eat dinner. right as we began to pray. you played it for me. right when i needed it most. 

i need it again now, so if you could get on that, it would be great. thanks. 

aww sh*t.

i got laid off today.

sacked.
fired.
sent away.
dismissed.
canned.
terminated.
given the axe.

call it what you will, i feel a little betrayed.

and i'm a forced to face the fact that the last 4 years have been wasted. and no matter how good i think i was at my job - no matter how much of a difference i'd like to think i made - none of it mattered to the people who sign my paycheck.

and that sucks a little.

proud.

tonight i helped elect barack obama for president of the united states. 

i'm not sure if i've ever done anything so important. 

and for the first time, in a long time, i'm proud to be american.